Welcome to Alternate Reality, or more simply 'Life As I See It'. A recollection of a unique view of this order of things.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Bits and Bites

Can you believe that I actually had to work while I was at work this week? Unheard of! Which makes this the perfect time to clear out my, 'Mixed Bag O' Links' that I just couldn't seem to weave into my normal ranting monologues.

Kansas just can seem to make up it's mind about what to teach kids about the origin of life and has reacted to international ridicule by once again rewriting the guidelines of it's science curriculum to strike out the recently added references to the theory of intelligent design. Of course, just up and outlawing the practice of evolution would solve the problem nicely. My views on the subject are complex to say the least, however considering how many genes much of life on earth share, if god did do it he was very very lazy.

Former NBA all star Tim Hardaway says he hates gay people. So he hates gays, there are people that don't like him for things he can't change too. Granted the majority of them aren't gay, most gay people loooooove black men, or at the very least are extremely curious. What I find interesting is that he didn't apologize for being homophobic but just regretted expressing it so publicly. Any bets on when this celeb is announcing a stint in Rehab?

Who'd a thunk it! It turns out girls really are gross.

Serial vs. Parallel Dating. Rewire your relationships today!

I just love comics that deal with 'issues'. It's like Reefer Madness only with pictures.

Experts have come out saying that the trend of sexualizing women in the media is harming young girls. Come on, we live in the age where they are giving Viagra to babies, what harm could a little makeup do?

Take one tour bus full of vacationing seniors, add 3 muggers and what do you get? Seniors gone wild!

Poverty, genocides and starvation aside there's been a lot of weird shit going down in Africa lately. For instance...

Throw away those nasty anti-virals. Green tea and Bananas are all it takes to slay HIV, at least according to Gambia's president.

WTF?! Whoever thought cargo cults would have turned out to be so popular? The gods must still be crazy.

Popo is in the news again! That wacky lascivious bat demon, Popo Bawa, just can't keep it in his pants. A creature with a supernatural sex drive and a monster member that sneaks into peoples rooms and sodomizes them for hours. In my neighborhood that's considered a tourist attraction not a curse. I wonder if he looks like any of these newly classified batty beasts.

Flooding in Mozambique, civil war in Darfur, islamist unrest in Mogadishu, drought in Ethiopia. Pick an African country (any one will do), and chances are good 15,000 brown people have died there recently.

On the international scene, the deadline set by the UN for Iran to stop enriching uranium has come and past and Iran shows no signs of slowing down. The US has responded to Iran's request for unconditional and most likely very frank talks, by moving a great deal of military might into the region and expressing a fond desire to bomb them. Of course they are still accusing the Iranians of destabilizing Iraq by quoting ambiguous intelligence from anonymous sources which may be ever so slightly exaggerated. Hmm...sound familiar? Take a look at what other people have to say on the topic at this BBC forum.

Once again life imitates art (or at least sarcasm), as someone must have read my previous suggestion on how the Palestinian Authority can stabilize its economy. Because now they really are opening call centres! Any bets on how long it takes the Israelis to bomb these too?

In a bizarre attempt to unify the Anglican communion, the house of bishops has decided to fracture it even further. It seems sort of odd until you check this handy Faith vs. Science flow chart and then you'd be surprised at how much sense it makes.

There are a few tricks that will come in handy if you want to survive the inevitable rise of the machines.

Extreme car security! Fun with Tesla coils or fun with Flame throwers. Pick your package because I'm sure that these won't be standard features any time soon.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Today's round up for the philosophical, 11 deep thoughts from people who thought way to much so we don't have to.

It turns out it's not just an optical illusion, beautiful skinny people really are making the rest of us fat.

From critiquing their nuclear program to accusing them of helping terrorists, the U.S. administration just can't stop talking about Iran. Are they trying to soften the world up for another round of trademark shock and awe or just blowing hot air? Taking at face value Ahmadinejad's denials of the latest allegations of meddling in Iraq, there is something so familiar about the timing and the provocative tone of the recent rhetoric coming from the U.S. that makes one wonder. Ahmadinejad has been doing some PR of his own tho. Even some U.S.Generals are weighing in with some conclusions contradicting those of the White House.

The issue Intelligence experts face is not so much one of a lack of evidence. Sure, it's easy to pull some wires and twisted metal out of the ground and say it came from Iran, even tho claiming it comes from the highest levels of the Iranian hierarchy is pushing it just a bit. The real issue is what people now consider acceptable evidence. After years of being force fed flashy crime drama's it's certainly not a PowerPoint slide show. The briefing would have gone over much better had it included shots of sexy inspectors with crime kits, traces of sand only found in Iran, bits of metal dripping with DNA and video of well dressed investigators forcefully yet respectfully interrogating hip Iranian anti-heroes until they cracked and confessed.

The U.S. Army has redoubled it's efforts to recruit more criminals! Granted, I'm sure with the number of wars going on at the moment is thinning out the number of 'victors' that are signing up. But is arming criminals and sending them to the most lawless corners of the globe going to rehabilitate them somehow or just result in more unfortunate war crimes?

Keeping with the Military theme, most of us have rented this movie, you know the one where young uncut Russian soldiers get all hot and bothered and go wild over each other in the truck, in the shower, in the barracks, in the woods, etc. Apparently this fantasy isn't that far from the truth as Russia is looking into allegations that it's military has been pimping out the boys for some time now in a case of good porn gone horribly wrong.

In a case that can only be described as odd, all the uncut boys at a Kenyan high school were sent home with letters saying to stay home until the foreskins were gone. Apparently the school administration was concerned that the boys would be bullied or mocked. I'm not sure what they are thinking, as all the feedback I've ever received about mine has been extremely complimentary.

Those wacky Nigerians are at it again. Bucking the trend of countries passing same sex legislation or at least decriminalizing gay relations, Nigeria wants to declare itself a rainbow free zone with harsh mandatory sentences for those that like that double fudge sorta love.

I don't know about anyone else, but I can think of about 2 things I use my toilet for. Then again, I've always gone for the base model, as opposed to a fully tricked out john. Honestly tho, if my toilet is going to talk to me all I want to hear is praise.

There has been an abundance of weird news floating about lately. In a move that I'm sure will outrage PETA, while tangling with a police dog a suspect actually bit the dog first. No word if he's had his shots, although sources close to the investigation say the gentleman will not be euthanized. Which brings up an interesting point, why is it that animals that bite people get death row, but people that bite people don't even go to jail?

Then there was this German gentleman that was so distraught by airport security that he took off his pants.

American researchers have concluded that marijuana is as effective at relieving pain as prescription opiates. The report goes on to say that many people living with chronic pain shy away from powerful opiate based pain killers because they, (and I love this), cause drowsiness and confusion. Like potheads are such a lucid bunch?

Despite heavy funding from celebrity psychic networks, Princeton's ESP lab, also known by the charming acronym 'PEAR', will be closing its doors. Officials from the lab say that the news didn't come as a surprise.

Chip and computer companies have been hard at work fulfilling the prophecy of Moore's law. Intel has recently created a chip with 80 cores that's capable of teraflop processing. It sounds silly, but a trillion calculations per second is a lot. The chip is so powerful no one knows what the hell to do with it, let alone how to program for it. IBM too has come up with a few novel changes to PC architecture that promise to deliver a huge performance boost to the machines.

So far the software companies have not done as good a job at keeping up with technology. Unless you were hibernating, it would have been difficult to miss the much lauded launch of Windows Vista, the self proclaimed 'securest' OS Microsoft has ever unleashed on its hapless users. This week they launched it's first security update, patching over 20 kinks in the Windows armor. Not a good sign, but did we really expect anything less?

Ending off this weeks technology rant, it might be my helpdesk background but this video of a monk that calls IT for help with a book just slayed me.

A thousand ways to say '404:Page Not Found'

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Fit to be Clicked: The Valentines Day Edition

Love it or hate it, Valentines day is descending upon us in a flurry of kinky toys and heart shaped chocolates. I think the whole thing is a load of hooey myself, dreamed up by under appreciated housewives and marketing execs to have us show our love the best way how. Nothing says I love you better then spending wads of cash on flowers, restaurants, kidneys and lets not forget the aforementioned kinky toys. The list goes on and on, and if you don't happen to have a honey at the moment, you can always pick up something nice for that special cat or dog in your life.

Overwhelmed by the thought of showing affection? Lovingyou.com comes to the rescue with this handy guide to the Day-o-Love.

A pair of Neolithic skeletons were dug up in Rome recently, it seems that they were buried together in an embrace that's lasted over 5000 years. Officials have announced that their eternal embrace won't be interrupted when they are moved for further study. That's a love that's lasted forever, unlike the much publicized astronaut love triangle that's been floating around the news of late. Remember tho, in space no one can hear you moan.

If your looking to do something special with your sweetheart this year, try breaking this new world record.

From what I can tell from all the buzz, the modern Valentines Day is about two things; chocolate (dark is better) and prescription free chemically enhanced sex. Preferably both at the same time. So it's not surprising that kinky toys and aphrodisiacs are flying off the shelves. Nothing spices things up like toys toys toys. However, there are a few things you might want to know about so called aphrodisiacs. Before you all run off and set the vibrator on Stun, remember that safer sex is better sex. Leave it to the BBC to tell us how to wrap it up in every way imaginable.

Now set the mood with these Top 5 Cheesy Love songs and some of these foods made for lovin'.

Ah yes, and don't forget to pick up a suitably amorous card. Whatever you do just make sure its not any of these unfortunate valentines. Hysterical as they may be, these Ecards from The Onion might not go over any better.

There is no such thing as a guilt free snack for this guy. He's asking to go to jail over the sinful treat. We all know about blood diamonds, but isn't blood chocolate pushing it?

Are you worried that your heart might be two sizes too small? Find out at Livescience.

Researchers have shed a bit of light on why women like to sleep with hot guys but don't marry them. They think it's because hot guys might not make the best parents and thus doom themselves to life with average guys who hopefully can't do much better either. Other research shows that it's nature that decides who can and can't keep their genes in their pants.

All of the Valentines Day fun is not only for the blissfully joined however, if you've found yourself unhappily uncoupled this year there is a great deal you can do as a bitter unloved single as well.

Love, lust and Loyalty. Find out how you stack up with this steamy survey!

Kick of the lascivious fun now with these Valentines themed games.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Russian Officials claim that the source of Orange snow that's been falling in Western Siberia is still a mystery. That's right, strange colored snow is falling in heartland of Russia's petrochemical industry and no one can figure why. Now I'm not going to jump the gun and accuse pollution for the foul smelling precipitation, that would be unscientific. After all, it's rained some pretty strange things, possibly even extraterrestrials.

There's been a lot of action in the middle east this past week. Hamas and Fatah have reached yet another truce. After weeks of infighting, relieved Palestinians took the opportunity to reload and stir up trouble in Israel. I just love the way Israeli's 'negotiate'.

Iraq is a touchy subject for the U.S. President as the democrats get set to floor a resolution condemning sending more troops to Iraq. Of course, it's a non-binding resolution meaning that nothing needs to be done about it, and no one is responsible if they are wrong. The Whitehouse sees this latest drive by the democrats to discredit the war in Iraq as downright irresponsible, especially now that it has 'credible intelligence' that Iran is mucking about in Iraqi affairs. Not to be critical of U.S. Intelligence, but have we not seen this song and dance before? It's like Deja Vu all over again.

I have recently been accused of making light of the very serious situation in Iraq, and I am. With daily reports of bombings, kidnappings, assassinations, and the count of murdered and maimed reaching into the hundreds of thousands, if I didn't laugh I'd weep for the species. For a much more visceral view of daily life in Iraq, I highly recommend Michael Yons Online Magazine. This last post in particular illustrating the difference between a martyr and a murderer.

On the topic of Terrorists, the Unabomber worries about his legacy.

Has there been an ad campaign more dissected and commented on then Apples 'PC and Mac' commercials? Loath or love 'em, some people have pretty strong views. I really like this one with the security guard tho.

John McCain, that wacky U.S. Senator is proposing a bill to create a database of Illegal images, presumably to make life difficult for the child porn industry. The bill it a bit fuzzy on precisely what would make an image illegal, and how Internet providers are supposed to track them. As some of you may remember, I recently ranted about the inanity of dateline busting Sickos. As a result of the latest instalment of 'To Catch a Predator', One of the creeps they caught actually posted an apology on his blog. Which, by the way, also features an impressive gallery of women's feet. Strange... Still no word from from NBC about about publicly humiliating people that do terrible things to their own kids.

Brokeback mutton anyone? Researchers don't see what the big deal is but PETA and Gay rights groups are outraged over new research into un-gaying animals. The ethical implications of it are fairly broad, after all would you want to live in a world full of bad hair and no fashion sense? I feel for the wooly little fellas, being stripped of thier gayness by having thier 'fabulous' gene switched off. Here are 10 other fabulous animals.

I have accounts practically everywhere, Myspace, Yahoo, Google, Flikr, Livespace, Hotmail, ad nauseum. It's a veritable cornucopia of user names and passwords to services that, at some point, I was convinced I couldn't live without but use just as much as the Juicer I bought from the Home Shopping Channel. Now I have another account that makes no secret of its complete uselessness.

My VisualDNA

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

The Wednesday Wood

Chris Evans was born in 1981, Massachusetts, USA. This 6' 1/2" tall actor is known for Fantastic Four, Not Another Teen Movie, and The Perfect Score.
Channing Tatum was born in 1980, Alabama. 6'1" tall actor is best known for Havoc, Coach Carter, and She's the Man. His name is misspelled frequently Chaning Tatum.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Fit To Be Clicked

The mining industry is hitting back at activist groups with a documentary of thier own about craven environmentalists keeping the poor people down. Perfectly ordinary people claim to be pefectly capable of destroying the rain forest themselves without the backing of either lobby group.

volcano atomizer. This is greatist gadget ever.

Marketing wise,
some say that the Superbowl Ads this year were just as good as the lackluster game. See them all decide for yourself here, some are pretty witty. Some could have used an endearing has-been for instant appeal. What is so special about Superbowl slots when you can even advertise in space now?

Life imitates Art.
One of GM's Superbowl ads this year featured an assembly robot being fired. Not to be outdone, Chrysler lays off 10,000 real people the very next day. It's tongue in cheek sure. Considering U.S. automakers are being driven out of business, the irony is unavoidable.

Everything seems to be blowing up lately. From
letters in London to several things daily in Iraq. It's almost as if someone is trying to break a world record. President bush has recently mentioned that it is a good thing the Iraqis are begging for the added security that extra troops will bring. Meanwhile troops in Iraq spread out in a 'rolling surge' of more violence. These other places don't get many marks for their tourist appeal either.

When traveling in foreign countries, it may not always be clear what is considered acceptable, what can get you in trouble and what might brand you as the depraved child of a whoring goat. Just read what happened to this bunch of tourists when they decided to
whoop it up in Saudi Arabia. It's like Hostel only with Arabs this time.

There is good naked, and
bad naked.

on the topic of epidemics. Not only are there more fat kids then ever before, the little lard-ass's are fatter then ever these days. Heck when even
poor kids are fat you know society has a serious eating disorder. What are concerned parents doing about this? Are they sitting the tatertots down in front of their positively aerobic Nintendo Wii? Sending them for a fun filled summer at Fat Camp? Or god forbid, making them go outside to play? Goodness no, if it were that easy everyone would be doing it! Keeping with standard North American thinking on health and nutrition, they are taking their beloved butterballs for Gastric bypass surgery.

Today I found out that Jimmy Choo shoes
aren't made by Jimmy Choo. Confusing the semantics even more, Jimmy Choo hasn't made Jimmy Choo shoes for Jimmy Choo Shoes for quite some time. That being the case, are they really Jimmy Choo shoes even if they aren't Jimmy Choos shoes?

Feeling a bit bored? Design your
very own M&M!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Fit to be Clicked

Garden gnomes must die, they are an affront to good taste and a blight on gardens the world over. We are talking total eradication before they rise up against us. Already mergnomes are luring divers to their deaths, it won't be long until they strike us en mass. We should not be shocked by events like the recent Gnomeville massacre and the genocidal Midlands garden gnome cull. Complete unprejudiced annihilation of their kind is the only way to safeguard humanity from the growing garden gnome menace. I advise taking them out whenever and wherever you spot them. A 9-Iron works well, however you'll get some great distance with a 3-Wood. 'Nuff said.

The chances of finding B movie martians out there slimmed down significantly this week. While astrobiologists agree that Mars is harboring a frozen sea which will probably be a good spot to look for life or it's remnants, the planets surface has been scoured and scorched by millions of years of bombardment by cosmic radiation. Any life smart enough to avoid an agonising death by ionizing radiation would have had to have fled underground at around the same time the planets oceans and atmosphere evaporated into space... or did they? Life is a tenacious thing (just ask anybody that's had a yeast infection), sure it takes time to get started, but once it gets up to speed good luck trying to stop it. Just take a look at these extreme little fellas for example.

Back on earth and touching on the often revisited theme of global warming, scientists report that our glaciers are melting faster then ever before. This is old news. The U.S. administration is still supposedly
coercing its scientists to downplay the causes and effects of Climate change. In what must be seen as a great stroke of luck for Climate Change nay-sayers, calculations in the soon to be released so called 'Doomsday Report on our Climate' by the the U.N.'s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change won't include the effects of recent mass meltings in Antarctica, Greenland and Northern Canada. This doesn't mean their contribution to the situation isn't significant, it's just that the U.N.'s panel of esteemed climatologists didn't expect them to melt so darned quick and aren't sure how to model it. On paper at least, this upgrades the Earths prognosis to cheerfully bleak.

On the topic of the environment, I just love the way companies are embracing the publics new found Eco-consciousness. Not by actually making a friendlier product, but by portraying thier products in the greenest possible light. From not so
organic dry cleaning to clean energy made from well... dirty energy. No product is too small to be greenwashed. Here are a few more of by favorite 'Greened' Products.

Just when I thought there was no possible way to cram any more caffeine into my diet,
Coffee Donuts hit the scene!

Is it just me or is NBC Dateline's continuing obsession with online pedophiles is starting to get old? In a grab for ratings
'To Catch a Predator' returns for a 6th instalment of sicko busting journalism. Let's face it, if there is one thing we have learned from this show it's that luring perverts it's easy. Let's see them lure infantcidal mothers to a bathtub party, or give disturbed yet misunderstood teens tickets to the prom. Now that's infotainment.

North Korea is back at the
nuclear negotiating table. After holding out through years of fuel and economic sanctions, the country agreed to resume multi-lateral talks after only a few months of being denied booze, designer clothes and other luxury goods. This proves that International sanctions are just as effective as taking away your teens Ipod and confirms something most people have suspected for a while, they just like talking about Nukes.

Moving along to the middle east, Israel breathed a sigh a relief when a
newly negotiated ceasefire between rival Palestinian factions, Hamas and Fatah lasted a whole two hours before they resumed tearing apart what little is left of the Gaza strip and continuing the long shred of their aspirations to statehood. Now I'm not one to impose my corrupt western moral values on such a culturally rich and proud people, but maybe it's time they stop bickering amongst themselves, open a few international call centres, make a bit of money, rebuild some infrastructure and get on with expelling the infidels from the holy land already.

Miami is bracing for Superbowl weekend and Doritos wasted no time in exploiting Times person of the year, the ever ubiquitous 'You', by having Doritos fans
make their commercial for them. Take a stroll down memory lane with these downright viral Superbowl advertising exploits of days gone by. Showing up Britney while showing that he has absolutely no pride whatsoever,Kevin Federline headlines for a Superbowl Ad too. Here are 5 more celebrity ex-couples msnbc thinks would make a good ad.

Scientists project that by 2030 AIDS,(not one of my favorite topics, it brings me down), will beat out respiratory infections for spot number 3 on the global
list of things people die from. Which all sounds very dire until you take into consideration that it is already #4. Recently, another promising treatment just didn't pan out, when researchers found out that the anti-HIV gel they were testing in India and South America actually increased chances of contracting the disease. The cake goes to the Aids Healthcare Foundation, in true American style they are litigating against Pfizer, the makers of Viagra. The suit will allege that the marketing of the drug portrays the pill as positively recreational, which is irresponsible as everybody knows that gay men with four hour hard-ons will use them.

On the topic of queer things, (and I mean that as both 'gay' and the 'odd' at the same time)
Pakistan's most popular TV personality is a Drag Queen. On the topic of drag, is you're cleavage just not doing it for you? Try Lavender.

After a rash of pageant scandals, the
newly crowned Miss America vowed to live the straight and narrow while at the same time Tara Connors, the newly rehabed Miss USA, revealed that she's not only an alcoholic, but a coke head too. From showing up in Penthouse to being unable to control their fertility, the Miss's just can seem to live up to the living Barbie image that these pageants engender. Society has outgrown quaint social graces such as congeniality and talent. It's time for some new categories that better reflect the modern experience of female celebrity.

Feeling artistic and nostalgic? Try out the virtual LiteBrite