Welcome to Alternate Reality, or more simply 'Life As I See It'. A recollection of a unique view of this order of things.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Fit to be Clicked

Garden gnomes must die, they are an affront to good taste and a blight on gardens the world over. We are talking total eradication before they rise up against us. Already mergnomes are luring divers to their deaths, it won't be long until they strike us en mass. We should not be shocked by events like the recent Gnomeville massacre and the genocidal Midlands garden gnome cull. Complete unprejudiced annihilation of their kind is the only way to safeguard humanity from the growing garden gnome menace. I advise taking them out whenever and wherever you spot them. A 9-Iron works well, however you'll get some great distance with a 3-Wood. 'Nuff said.

The chances of finding B movie martians out there slimmed down significantly this week. While astrobiologists agree that Mars is harboring a frozen sea which will probably be a good spot to look for life or it's remnants, the planets surface has been scoured and scorched by millions of years of bombardment by cosmic radiation. Any life smart enough to avoid an agonising death by ionizing radiation would have had to have fled underground at around the same time the planets oceans and atmosphere evaporated into space... or did they? Life is a tenacious thing (just ask anybody that's had a yeast infection), sure it takes time to get started, but once it gets up to speed good luck trying to stop it. Just take a look at these extreme little fellas for example.

Back on earth and touching on the often revisited theme of global warming, scientists report that our glaciers are melting faster then ever before. This is old news. The U.S. administration is still supposedly
coercing its scientists to downplay the causes and effects of Climate change. In what must be seen as a great stroke of luck for Climate Change nay-sayers, calculations in the soon to be released so called 'Doomsday Report on our Climate' by the the U.N.'s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change won't include the effects of recent mass meltings in Antarctica, Greenland and Northern Canada. This doesn't mean their contribution to the situation isn't significant, it's just that the U.N.'s panel of esteemed climatologists didn't expect them to melt so darned quick and aren't sure how to model it. On paper at least, this upgrades the Earths prognosis to cheerfully bleak.

On the topic of the environment, I just love the way companies are embracing the publics new found Eco-consciousness. Not by actually making a friendlier product, but by portraying thier products in the greenest possible light. From not so
organic dry cleaning to clean energy made from well... dirty energy. No product is too small to be greenwashed. Here are a few more of by favorite 'Greened' Products.

Just when I thought there was no possible way to cram any more caffeine into my diet,
Coffee Donuts hit the scene!

Is it just me or is NBC Dateline's continuing obsession with online pedophiles is starting to get old? In a grab for ratings
'To Catch a Predator' returns for a 6th instalment of sicko busting journalism. Let's face it, if there is one thing we have learned from this show it's that luring perverts it's easy. Let's see them lure infantcidal mothers to a bathtub party, or give disturbed yet misunderstood teens tickets to the prom. Now that's infotainment.

North Korea is back at the
nuclear negotiating table. After holding out through years of fuel and economic sanctions, the country agreed to resume multi-lateral talks after only a few months of being denied booze, designer clothes and other luxury goods. This proves that International sanctions are just as effective as taking away your teens Ipod and confirms something most people have suspected for a while, they just like talking about Nukes.

Moving along to the middle east, Israel breathed a sigh a relief when a
newly negotiated ceasefire between rival Palestinian factions, Hamas and Fatah lasted a whole two hours before they resumed tearing apart what little is left of the Gaza strip and continuing the long shred of their aspirations to statehood. Now I'm not one to impose my corrupt western moral values on such a culturally rich and proud people, but maybe it's time they stop bickering amongst themselves, open a few international call centres, make a bit of money, rebuild some infrastructure and get on with expelling the infidels from the holy land already.

Miami is bracing for Superbowl weekend and Doritos wasted no time in exploiting Times person of the year, the ever ubiquitous 'You', by having Doritos fans
make their commercial for them. Take a stroll down memory lane with these downright viral Superbowl advertising exploits of days gone by. Showing up Britney while showing that he has absolutely no pride whatsoever,Kevin Federline headlines for a Superbowl Ad too. Here are 5 more celebrity ex-couples msnbc thinks would make a good ad.

Scientists project that by 2030 AIDS,(not one of my favorite topics, it brings me down), will beat out respiratory infections for spot number 3 on the global
list of things people die from. Which all sounds very dire until you take into consideration that it is already #4. Recently, another promising treatment just didn't pan out, when researchers found out that the anti-HIV gel they were testing in India and South America actually increased chances of contracting the disease. The cake goes to the Aids Healthcare Foundation, in true American style they are litigating against Pfizer, the makers of Viagra. The suit will allege that the marketing of the drug portrays the pill as positively recreational, which is irresponsible as everybody knows that gay men with four hour hard-ons will use them.

On the topic of queer things, (and I mean that as both 'gay' and the 'odd' at the same time)
Pakistan's most popular TV personality is a Drag Queen. On the topic of drag, is you're cleavage just not doing it for you? Try Lavender.

After a rash of pageant scandals, the
newly crowned Miss America vowed to live the straight and narrow while at the same time Tara Connors, the newly rehabed Miss USA, revealed that she's not only an alcoholic, but a coke head too. From showing up in Penthouse to being unable to control their fertility, the Miss's just can seem to live up to the living Barbie image that these pageants engender. Society has outgrown quaint social graces such as congeniality and talent. It's time for some new categories that better reflect the modern experience of female celebrity.

Feeling artistic and nostalgic? Try out the virtual LiteBrite

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